Making a formal complaint...

I would like to make a formal complaint to the producers and program directors of TLC's "A Baby Story." I find it a very, very bad idea to show an episode of an expecting mother going in for a scheduled c-section without her husband. You see, her husband died a couple months prior serving in Iraq. If TLC would like to show these programs they should take it to a market that does not have pregnant, military spouses that could be watching.

Anyway, at least the baby and his sister were cute. The mom was pretty together, if you ask me. They could've just left out the main details. Would have worked for me.

Gordon's musical career...

It seems everyone has an idea as to what a guitar should sound like. Clearly Gordon believes this one needs a tuning. The rendition of Twinkle Little Star is much nicer a) without my voice and b) with Gordon singing. Perhaps another day.

Well, this is all set...

The carrier is officially ready to receive it's cargo. I have taken it apart and washed straps, cushions, crevices, handles and the Bundle Me. Less than 5 weeks to go and one less thing to do. Yay me.

What in Iraq has Erik been doing?

Erik continues to settle in at FOB Caldwell. He has been seeing patients and an occasional emergency such as sprains. There hasn’t been much complaining about the dining facility (dfac) food, so I am guessing he’s growing accustomed to it. He’s got a schedule of sorts with reading, his patient time, exercising, using the internet, etc. We are able to chat frequently via Skype, however my laptop needed to be sent for repairs rendering me without a webcam or microphone for 1-3 weeks. That is a serious bummer for me and the kids but we shall survive.

The initial requests have come out for care packages, of which I’ve sent one of three. In one of the packages is his acoustic guitar, which he cannot wait to get. Any of you who have “campfire song” suggestions should go ahead and email him or leave a list in the comments. It seems in each package he needs more of his medical library sent over, I am happy to do it but those books weigh a ton! I try to think of small odds and ends to send him to remind him of home, however I have been creatively challenged lately and keep drawing blanks. I wish I could send him a patch of grass as he keeps mentioning how brown every thing is. Erik said the sand is so fine that Kuwait imports sand to make concrete. Wes really would like some sand. I do believe he wants it for two reasons: to awe his friends with “war” sand and to feel closer to Erik.

For the most part, however, Erik seems a bit bored. Let’s not get me wrong here… being bored in a combat zone is always good but I suppose it is the things he took for granted he misses most, like my fine lawn and real beer in lieu of near beer. He’s been gone from up for 51 days now and it hardly seems possible it has been that long. I am so happy I have the kids and other things to keep busy, as it seems to make the time tick by quickly. One thing that does stun me a bit is that there are only 42 days to go before we take on another kid! This pregnancy has flown by. One frequent request from Erik is for pictures of my expanding rented out womb. I just have to insert here how amazing skin is that it can stretch so much!

As Erik asks for news, stories and updates from home I find myself asking him questions with the same amount of fervor… what’s it like? how young are the soldiers? are you feeling useful? I would love to ask the gritty questions and receive the uncensored answers but I understand fully and support the need for security. It’s still frustrating, I like a good story as often as possible. As I always say, I just like knowing things. Ok, so I am nosy. I can say it.

All in all, Erik’s doing well. It is hardest on him since he feels so out of the loop with our family. I think missing Wes’ football season has really taken a toll on the old boy. He does like to be involved as much as he can with sports. Then there is the impending arrival of Henry, Erik is a micromanager and is surely going to miss the opportunity to look at the beeping machines and supervising the birthing process. I am sure once he sees pictures and videos he’ll have advice to offer.

Drop him an email erik.manninen@us.army.mil or send a note to his address in the upper right of the blog.

What am I grateful for?

I am so grateful for so many things.

I have a wonderful family
My husband supports me despite my many and varied flaws
I have healthy children
They love each other... way too roughly sometimes
I am healthy
My husband serves his country with pride
I have an outstanding house
My yard is lovely
I am not living in the UP
I am able to do projects that make me feel useful
I have wonderful friendships
I have forgiving friends
I am a registered voter
I learn from the actions I take... the good, bad and ugly
I have a wealth of memories to cheer me up when I am not so cheery
I have the best neighbors anyone could wish for
I love to hear my neighbor's boy say monkey... it can brighten any dark moment for me
I can find joy in the tiniest of things
I have challenging children
I relish the fact I've stayed out of jail by using good judgement with said challenging children
I have a good education
I have my own opinions
I know the feeling of forgiving and of being forgiven
I have been humbled by making some monumentally poor choices in my life
I have too many items to list and not enough time to do it, for which I am also grateful

Something is missing around here....

So roughly six weeks or so to go before we add another to our bunch. I've started to become acutely aware of what that means for me, in particular. I have a friend coming down from Maryland to go into the delivery room, wish the other friend from MD could be here too, but her husband's schedule is a bit hairy. I decided I can do this with a friend if I didn't have to look them in the eye very often afterward, since they will ultimately be exposed to a lot of me. Lots. Phone conversations, great. Chatting over the fence daily knowing she may have flashbacks of exposure, not wonderful.

As far as home, I am happy to say that Lori will be here with the older three (and me) for a bit before Henry arrives, which leads me to believe we will be able to hammer out a routine before the delivery. My neighbors are truly wonderful and can be called upon if needed, so that adds to the reassuring list. I realize how very fortunate I am, it just feels like something instrumental is missing. Sure, of course it is Erik but it's more than that.

I am not great at being vulnerable with witnesses around. I would rather keep tears inside my body, where they have a place moisturizing my eyes and not my cheeks. I would rather not lose control in the presence of individuals other than Erik and the kids. Now I'm not talking about a tantrum of screaming and ranting about behaviors that are undesirable, but the feeling that the bottom has dropped out. For all you ladies out there, this comes around 8cm dilation without pain meds, discovering your child really hurt another intentionally, making a verbal faux pas that affects a friendship, the moment you realize your husband is really on a deployment, etc. That feeling.

I believe what is missing is excitement. Pure, innocent, excitement. Of the past three impending births, I was quite excited in good and bad ways. By bad I mean so excitable I was anxious. What has always trumped the anxiety was remembering how Erik handled the situation before. (Now, Wes was just an unusual birth so that is somewhat discarded.) But after the baby comes and we are all transitioning, the actions and motions Erik goes through are so deliberate, predictable and soothing. I simply adore these qualities in him. Erik is my foundation, someone I rely on to bring reason to me when I am irrational.

I wish he could write a set of directions for the nurses and doctors that will treat me and the kid. "No unnecessary talking. Be firm but not a dictator with requests/directives. Give all information, no matter how terrible, but answer questions. Unless absolutely necessary, hands off. Roughly 24hrs after birth there will be a hormone crash, alert your staff that there will be many tears, requests of being discharged immediately, and much pacing... the best way to handle this is to sit and watch. By no means should you take the baby away without a detailed list of where he will go and who will be touching him, you will avoid tense and terse words when you return."

I will be missing my foundation. It will be difficult to be strong missing a foundation.

All these children.

I have been mulling over really creative ways to update on the kids. I suppose I could convey anecdotes from the weeks past, but how do I choose? The days have been so very busy with carting kids around to various schools, appointments, practices and games that I usually do not remember the full account of any given story until reviewing the pictures. Thankfully I carry my camera with us just about everywhere! Gordon has taken to saying "Don't take me," in an ultra-whiny voice meaning not to take his picture.

To update on the kids.... They are all doing very well. School is great, all enjoy thier time, comply with teacher requests and bring home wonderful work.

Wesley and football are like a hand and a glove... no, seriously, he loves hitting and running which have come together well this year. Positions seem to change for Wes but he consistently works hard and seems to have a knack for the game. As far as I go, I'm not the mother who cowers with each crunch of pads. Rather, I relish in the runs, hard hits and short rests on the bench. All of the ingredients listed, lead to a fabulous recipe of "Tired Kid." (In the photo above he is #20 slightly crouched.)

Dance is going well for Donna. She enjoys what she is doing and is proud to show the new move of the week to anyone who may ask. In other words, the girl is a diva. Donna is changing. She is developing quite a streak to her personality. There was a time (birth until recently) that Donna was fairly easy going, loved chilling with anyone willing to accompany her, and she was quiet. The Donna of late is demanding, whines and cries with any injustice done to her, any amount of flexibility is gone, she is openly defiant and has stopped accepting hugs and kisses. Where is my daughter?

Gordon simply adores Wes. He loves the guy so much he's trying to be just like his big brother. After a game, practice, any situation that Gordon witnesses Wes in his uniform, he seeks out Wes' helmet, tugs it on and wedges half the mouthpiece into his own mouth. The boy looks like a lollipop walking around; it is quite a sight. However, the moment sealing the cuteness quotient is when he lowers his voice and begins to bark out, "down, set, hipe!"

Catching up is hard to do.

I've been avoiding the blog. I keep thinking of fun, witty things to write and file it away for "another time." I guess you have to start somewhere, right? First and foremost, all are doing fine including Erik and my pregnancy. On to other things...

Let us start with Erik.
Erik is en route to his final destination at some point soon. At present he is in Iraq awaiting transport to his end point. They left Alaska somewhere around September 20 on over to Kuwait with a stop over in Ireland. While in Ireland, Erik was able to meet up with another Doc out of Walter Reed. He sounded quite surprised and happy that he got to have lunch and catch up on some folks still up at WRAMC. I, myself, would've been thrilled with seeing a friendly face on my way to uncertainty. Once arriving in Kuwait, Erik began his stay in a tent with AC and filling the time with some sick call and wandering Camp Buehring. According to his reports, the PX has plenty, there was a Starbucks, quite a choice of food options. On to the next layover within Iraq until the final destination. (I have to say, does every military move feel the same? This is a deployment and still it is eerily familiar to a military move.)

However, through it all as far as communication goes, we've been able to talk on the phone so much more than I imagined. The kids are not always around when he is able to call and the lack of direct communication via web cam is certainly missed. Gordon has resorted to watching slide shows on the computer and talking to the Daddy pictures as if he were chatting with Erik on web cam.

I can wholeheartedly say, as I did to Erik today, our situation today is so much better than it was ten years ago. You see, we were apart for about 9 months then for Basic Training, AIT, Airborne, and RIP... Ranger Indoctrination something or other. In reflecting on that time we chuckled at how far we've come:

Then

Newly engaged

Erik was heavily restricted on movement as he was training.

Waiting in lines to talk on the phone for Erik, disappointment if I missed the call for me.

I was teaching kids, not caring for them 24/7.

We were at relative peace, Erik wasn't going into a war zone, he wasn't a doctor or a father or a husband.

I was muddling through my last year of college, nowhere near thinking I'd be a mother one day or a military wife supporting the home front expecting tax deduction #4 waiting for a year to be over before it begins.

We were so, so young... or was it naive?

Now

Married nearly 10 years (April 2009).

Erik can freely roam any US post/base he is on barring safety hazards.

Waiting in lines to talk on the phone for Erik, disappointment if I miss the call for me and our gaggle of kids.

Obviously we are not at peace, Erik is in a war zone, he is a doctor and husband and father of almost 4!

I am still knocked out cold on what has happened to me in these years.

How can I still feel so young? At times too young to fully realize the magnitude of what this year will signify for us. Or is it naivete?

If I could talk to us then with what we know now...

"Despite the unconventional routes you will take to accomplish some monumental achievements, you will enjoy your time together. You will look back at the upcoming decade with pride, humor, admiration of your struggle together, but most of all you will revel in the sweat in tears that have made such a wonderful life." I wouldn't give away the details, you see. To do that I might cause a change that would threaten this life I know, adore and am so thankful for.